Self absorbed friend or narcissistic Meli?

I have a friend, which will remain nameless, that does things that are wishy washy. She just seems to eat away at my self esteem. I know, I know; self esteem is how you feel about you and no one should be able to affect it but we’re human and we all know better. In a perfect world, it would be that way but in the real world people do have the ability to cause us to doubt ourselves. There are small things she does that individually would probably not mean much but collectively, they hurt. During a conversation she doesn’t really take the time to listen. It’s obvious that she’s only listening because she’s waiting to speak. The entire time I’m speaking I can see the wheels turning and she’s so focused on verbalizing what’s in that head of hers, not on what I’m saying/sharing. No matter what I say, her response is something concerning herself. I thought I’d fix that by allowing her time to just talk about her, what’s going on in her life, etc. etc. It’s never enough. After a conversation with her, I end up feeling like a sounding board. She could have this conversation with no one and anyone. You get what I’m saying? At this point I feel as though she could replace our friendship with anyone because it’s not me that she appreciates, values or cares for. It’s having someone to sound off on about herself. I wonder if she’s aware of this and just choosing to ignore and if I make her aware will she be capable of changing? It’s becoming a strain to continue a real friendship with her. I find myself avoiding her more often.

Or am I just a narcissist?

Of course I’d like to think not. I enjoy hearing about friends’ lives and sharing but I also enjoy a give and take. One of the privileges of having a friendship is being able to share of yourself also – your real self.
I am very aware of the fact that I demand a lot of attention from my friends. I am not clingy but I am so choosy when it comes to friends, I love interacting with the few that I have anytime, all the time. I know and accept that we all have lives but when/if they need me, my ear or my heart; I’m there without hesitation or doubt. I’d love it if I could count on them the same. Not all of my friends are self absorbed, some are just busy with work and life.

Does it hurt when you consider someone a good or a best friend and they constantly mention others (never you) as their best friend? I can’t lie – it hurts me a little. It’s not debilitating but it does rub a raw emotion. Am I jealous? No but I’d love to be considered a best friend in an equal friendship one day. I always thought it was something really wrong with me because I’ve not made and maintained an intimate, lasting friendship over the years in my life. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t but I can say that I’ve learned a lot. Every person and situation has taught me lessons. Most faded away after I received my lesson, few stayed but the most important thing is that I learned my lessons. I think the hardest lessons to learn were those that had self revelations. To see yourself clearly – ouch. I’m stronger for it though and so I am thankful.