Purely Random.

I said that I wouldn’t post until I had something of substance to post about but what the hell? Today was a decent day. Slept good last night, woke up healthy & in good spirits. I straightened up, took a nice hot shower & then…the shower head broke off & I damn near drowned, lol. My hair was drenched & those facts dictated the look you see. I’ve always enjoyed my curls they’re just better trained now, longer and I enjoy them even more.

I did go the extra mile today & dressed my face. In the picture only my face is dressed. Not my body; nor was my hair complete. The complete look was polished & I must say; I was feeling myself today. When I went shopping today I didn’t bother with mere walking, I sauntered through the store. It’s something about looking good that gives my fragile self esteem the boost it needs. Seems like I should have picked up on that years ago and always went the extra mile. Somewhere along the way I learned that I was not worthy of the extra because I was going to be “ugly” anyway; why try? There was nothing more harmful that I could have believed and now at damn near 35 I still wrestle with self esteem issues. I admire those that rock that fine line between confidence and arrogance.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I am 600+ miles away from mine. It makes me sad but I know that we’re always together. My mother and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. For the better part of my life I didn’t live with her; my father raised me. I went back to Mom when I was 2 months shy of 18 and that made it hard for me to see her as an authority figure; I seen her more as a friend and during my late teens/early 20s, we argued an awful lot. I grew up though. Honestly, my Mom was always my best friend. She is probably the only human alive that knows all my secrets. She is my diary. I love my mom for always being her no matter what crummy hand life dealt her.

Mother’s day makes me think about all the babies I miscarried. It will depress me if I allow it. It also makes me think of my Boohead. (for those that don’t know; she’s my ex’s daughter that I raised for five years) I miss her so much and most of all I miss being her mother. I was so angry at Tracy for so long for not allowing me to see her but I’ve forgiven and moved past it. I’ll love her always and she’ll always be welcome in my life. When she gets old enough and comes for me, I’ll be there. My nieces and nephews are almost all grown up now. One just turned 18 a few weeks ago & another will be 17 soon with a baby on the way.

The only constant in life is change. I’ve learned to embrace it.